N.B. You’re welcome, ladies.
December 18, 2012
Mr. G. Roper
2 North Ipple Way
Tracts-of-Land, WI 80085
Re: Waitstaff Position
Dear Mr. Roper,
In the pop culture vernacular of the day, it could be said that the milkshakes of your waitstaff bring all of the boys to the yard. If I may, sir, I humbly point out that this instantly relegates half of your potential customer base to second-class citizens.
My milkshake may be lactose-free, but it is certain to bring all of the girls to the yard.
Studies have shown that women are now responsible for managing nearly seventy percent of the household discretionary spending—including deciding where and how often the family dines out. However, your entirely female waitstaff does not lend itself to attracting this powerful buying force.
As a man of culture and fine dining, I am sure you noted the commercial success of this year’s smash-hit Magic Mike. Now, imagine how much more successful that film would have been if instead of Hollywood actors—who clearly have nothing better to do than lay about working on their physique, removing stray hairs, and defining their abs—with hardworking, hirsute, and well-curved American men: men who remind them of their husbands.
I assure you, it would have been an entirely new level of success: a success that is now yours for the taking.
Imagine if you will the manly, rugged body hair of Burt Reynolds before Cannonball Run 2. Enhance that with the gentle, sensitive curves of Jack Black; the non-intimidating height of Joe Piscopo; the glistening, sexy hair of Woody Allen; and the stout abdominal resolve of Homer Simpson—and imagine the impact that a man who brings all of that and more to the table could have on your business when gently ensconced in orange shorts and a white halter, proudly emblazoned with the majestic, wide-eyed owl of your brand.
I am available to start immediately. I look forward to your call.
Benjamin F. Jackson