Friends, this week marks the 100th edition of YeahWrite, a truly amazing collection of bloggers and writers-and most importantly, a whole community of people I regard as friends. I’m linking up with them for the first time in months.
This week also marks the one year anniversary of this here blog, and hot damn, but I can’t thank you all enough for your support, encouragement, kind words, and even the editorial suggestions you send my way! Where I am in life, as a person and as a writer, is so much better than it was a year ago. So, thank you, thank you.
Picture this:
February, 2013. Walt Disney World. Your humble narrator is finishing his second and final day at the parks with his intrepid and fairy-crazy daughter by taking a ride on Thunder Mountain.
Thunder Mountain, as you may be aware, is “The Wildest Ride in the Wilderness!” Led around a badlands landscape by the voice of an old coot (“Gold! Thar’s gold in them thar hills” should be his refrain) the pair made full use of the front-of-line guest assistance card the daughter earned through a difficult medical life. Signs posted of dire consequences for those with high blood pressure (check), back problems (check), pregnancy (totally NOT check), loose morals (double check), and the like.
It also warned the riders to secure all belongings and eyewear.
Friends, your intrepid narrator did what he had been doing throughout his rides on the park: he ignored the warning signs (one might suggest he has the habit of doing so in his dating life, but who asked “one” anyway? Jerk.). Tower of Terror? Psh. It could not dislodge the glasses from his face or the pack from his hand. Mission to Mars? He laughed at its G-forces. Teacups? Ok, the Teacups gave him some angina, but whatevs. He survived, with all of his possessions intact.
When he looked at the face of his young companion as they spanned the back seat of the roller coaster, her grin made the hundreds of dollars spent and hundreds of miles driven immaterial. He reveled in the joy on her face, and felt it spread to his own. His wide grid changed the shape of his face, altering in minute ways the wind pattern coursing over the mountains of his visage.
Where the wind had once flowed harmlessly over the front of his glasses, it now insistently tugged at a low corner, and a tragic series of events unfolded-culminating in the glasses being ripped from his face, clattering on the tracks below, and being pulverized by the next coaster car to pass.
His grin turned to horror, and her grin turned to a Gaussian blur as his ability to see disappeared into the Floridian sky.
The moral of the story, friends, is to buy one of those nerd-straps for your glasses before going to the world’s most expensive theme-park. Or, you know, get LASIC.
You are hilarious! But what the heck did you do? Poor pulverized glasses!
Yes, I want to know, too! Even after looking it up, I’m still not sure what a Gaussian blur would look like, but it just doesn’t sound good. The suspense after the suspense of your story is killing me.
Oh no! I always bring my 9yo son’s “old” glasses whenever we go anywhere b/c I’m so paranoid that he’ll break them and then won’t be able to see. I’m glad you and Emma had such a great time!
Go, Emma and your front-of-the-line privileges! Once, we “earned” a parking spot at Sea World so close to the entrance, the ticket booth was like a drive-thru window.
Thanks for celebrating our 100th with us! Congrats on your blog’s anniversary.
As usual, so well told. For what it’s worth, LASIK was one of the best things I have ever done.
Warnings, schwarnings. At least you had a good time, right? Happy Bloggiversary!
Hooray for the sacrifices of the Dad of the Decade!
Oh man, I wouldn’t be able to do anything without my glasses. Funny story.
I’m completely sure the trip was worth the sacrifice of your glasses, but how did you manage without them afterwards?
Happy Blog-iversary!
You can say that your new glasses were a gift to yourself. Haha.
Hooray for a year of blogging! it was time to get LASIK anyway, right? Say, did you have to take a train home or did you have an alternate driver??
I, too, want the rest of the story. How did you drive? Did your daughter have to lead you around by the hand? Happy Year of blogging! Go treat yourself to LASIK!
LASIK for sure! My husband got it a couple years ago and he is thrilled. Whenever I get on a roller coaster I am always paranoid that someone in a pocket is going go flying.
So glad to see you here on the grid again! And yes, please, secure your glasses!!
Hilarious! That’s the worst part about wearing glasses. I am very familiar with that “Gaussian Blur”, lol.
omg – so funny! I had one of those nerd straps in school when I was on the basketball team. Oh, the spectacle of it all!
“Hang onto your hats and glasses cos this here’s the wildest ride in the wilderness” <– I'm instantly transported back to Disneyland w/ your story. The anticipation of that first dip and hoping my possessions stay in that little mesh bag that seems oddly stretched out. Sorry to hear about your glasses though!
Happy blog-o-versary! And so sorry about the glasses…
Oh, man. Hope you didn’t have to drive back to wherever home was? But how could you avoid it. So I’m now up wondering how you made it out of the park and back home. Love Thunder Mountain! Will definitely not wear glasses next time I’m at Disney, so thanks for that. And congrats on the blogging!
This hilarious story falls into my “What were the odds? 100%” folder, which by this point has expanded to include an entire file cabinet.
I love this. And not just because my husband is an ophthalmologist. LOL.
Great last line.
Love the girl in the black puffy coat.
xoRASJ
Oh mercy! Before I had LASIK, if my glasses fell off the night table in the middle of the night, I’d either crawl along the floor patting it or call one of the kids to help me. My parents gave me the surgery for my 40th birthday and it was truly life-changing. I wish I had even borrowed money years ago to do it because I spent so much every year on contacts and new glasses. Had the surgery five years ago and haven’t spent a penny on my eyes since. Great story with some memorable details.
That moment when you take your glasses off and you can’t see shit. I wouldn’t want to be on a rollercoaster. Kudos.
Hilarious story and congratulations on your blog’s anniversary! I think you should buy yourself a really cool nerd strap to celebrate.
Oh, I hope you had an extra pair. No glasses could really turn a trip sour.
I was there in February too! I don’t wear glasses, but I am so glad that I remembered (just after we started moving) to put my daughter’s inside my purse. Whew. Sounds like it was a good thing I did! Congrats on your one year anniversary.
LOL now write this from the glasses point of view
you NEVER fail to entertain….
Oh, that is beyond awful. I am *very* nearsighted but have on contact lenses most of the time. I was actually on Thunder Mountain in December and had that “thought” that if I had been wearing my glasses, they would have been ripped off pretty quickly. Nice to meet you. I actually did my first Yeah Write last week.